Introduction

During recovery, there might be times when the dark thoughts and habits that once controlled your life start to reappear. The whispers in the back of your mind become louder, and you wonder, “Should I go back to the way I used to be?”. 

Do I miss my disordered body? Thinking? 

These thoughts are normal, especially during the healing process, as you’re still learning to let go of habits you’ve built for long periods. You were emotionally wired to think THAT’S the “right” thing to do, so these unhealthy thoughts won’t suddenly disappear; it’ll take time.

You’re not a failure; It’s part of the process.

Why do you miss unhealthy habits?

Coping Mechanism

After years of obsessing over food, obsessing over SOMETHING, stopping that obsession might leave you feeling empty and vulnerable. The reason for this is that this might’ve been an illusion of relief, distracting you from other issues in your life. They numb, keeping your mind on one thing and ignoring the rest. 

Became Part of Your Identity

After an extended time of having an eating disorder, it not only influences the way you act, but it also shapes who you believe you are. 

Your lifestyle becomes a huge part of you and your identity. Making you feel like a part of you is gone, but really, a better and new you is blossoming.

The “Comfort” of Familiar Pain

We sometimes miss the pain we are accustomed to more than we embrace the different healing.

Ambivalence is a normal part of recovery, making you want to get better, but also want to keep doing the bad habits because that’s what you’re USED it. Recovery seems scary, and you may think it’s easy to keep doing what you know best, even if it’s harmful.

The Illusion of Control and Achievement

In today’s society, being extremely restrictive is covered up to being extremely “disciplined” and committed, positive traits that are praised by others. It feeds off external validation; you think to yourself, you’ll lose that high-value title if you start recovery. 

But the idea of retaining that lifestyle is short-lived. You need to look at long-term effects: health, relationships, freedom, peace.

You are untangling a very convincing lie, an idea that has been normalized. One that told you you were only worthy when you were shrinking.

Conclusion

It is completely normal to have those types of thoughts during your recovery. The doubts, the worries, and the anxiety about whether you have made the right choice or not. These thoughts do not mean you have failed, nor have you reverted to your old mindset; it is part of the process of HEALING, and it still needs time to entangle you from those thoughts

The important takeaway is to KEEP TRYING! Don’t give up and let those thoughts turn into action. Recovery isn’t linear, but don’t let that make you completely stop attempting to change.

Remember, you are stronger than you think, and keep pushing! I have another blog that will go over some tips you can use to prevent these thoughts!

Resources & Support

You’re not alone! Here are some resource to reach out to if you want more help <3

• National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA)
• Acute Center for Eating Disorders
• The Emily Program
• Eating Recovery Center
• Alliance for Eating Disorders